Perhaps you have noticed that I am not like a lot of other mothers. I love my children dearly, but I do not need to be needed -- I need to be left alone. I do not ignore my children or neglect them, but I have not made them the end-all-be-all center axis of my life. I would throw my body in front of a charging, rabid rhino to save their lives, but I won’t sacrifice all that remains of The Woman I Once Was to ensure their complete and total happiness. I apply this philosophy to almost all aspects of motherhood. But, I dare say it comes into play the most during Summer Break. I suppose I never grew out of the idea that Summer Break was for one important and glorious purpose -- taking a break. And that is what I do. And, people, I break hard.
It is for this reason, and many others actually, that we are not -- gasp -- a swim team family. I know the glory of the swim team is revered by many, though the actual existence of such an institution was never something I was aware of until a few years ago. Growing up, I knew of no one who belonged to a swim team, but now it seems my children are surrounded by the tight-bathing-suited adolescents and I am now surrounded by mothers who sing the glories of the sport and seem puzzled (and perhaps incensed) at my refusal to dive in.
But, I would not be me if I didn’t have an entire blog’s worth of reasons why I actively avoid this summer-time ritual. And, I would also not be me if I didn’t feel the narcissistic desire to share my reasons with all of you. So here goes...the arguments for swim team and my well thought-out (and highly opinionated) rebuffs of those arguments. Enjoy.
Argument #1: It teaches the kids to swim properly and be well-trained in all manner of strokes.
I have spent thousands of hours watching kids frolic in pools -- both as a participant myself and as a parental observer. Never have I ever seen them spontaneously break into organized backstrokes and compare butterfly techniques. No, they squirt each other in the face, dive for pennies, and see who can do such a superb cannon ball that it splashes water up onto my People Magazine. And that is perfectly okay with me. A pool in the summer is the ultimate gigantic bowl of fun. Why is that not enough? Of course there is nothing wrong with knowing the “proper” swimming strokes, but I contend that unless your child is training to swim the English Channel, that is not a necessary skill. Perhaps some day, someone will say to me, “Little Bobby was goofing off on the top deck of the Disney Fantasy and fell overboard. Thank goodness he is on the swim team -- he was able to alternate between his freestyle and breast stroke and make it back to the ship! And, boy, it’s a good thing he always has his goggles around his neck.”
Only then will I entertain the idea that I am doing my children a disservice by not insisting they can execute a perfect underwater kick turn.
Argument #2: Swim teams provide children with a sense of accomplishment and team spirit as well as teaches them the value of competitive sports.
Guess what -- so does the soccer league and competition cheerleading I pay for in the fall and baseball and tennis that I pay for in the spring. Is there really a chance that two-and-a-half months of not participating in a competitive sport will reduce my children to sniveling recluses who have lost all sense of societal cooperation? Or perhaps the fear is that the lack of competition with their peers will lull them into a false sense of entitlement where they expect everything to simply be handed to them. As it is, my kids compete with each other on an hourly basis -- first one to finish breakfast wins; the one who has the longest french fry is the winner; who can spot the most school buses while on the road and shout "skittles" as loudly as possible, whoever takes the most breaths in 60 seconds is the champion breather! Believe me, kids don’t need an “organized” reason to compete.
Argument #3: It gives the kids something constructive to do during Summer Break.
Um...what? It’s Summer Break! By its very implied definition, Summer Break means -- nothing! Having to do nothing, having to go to nothing, having to get up for nothing, having to think about nothing. (And, yes, that sentence was packed with grammatical inaccuracies. But, we’re talking about Summer Break -- grammar has no part in it.) During the school-year, my job is to prepare lunches, act as Room Mom, help with homework, do endless loads of laundry, chauffeur little people to play dates, ball games, gymnastics classes, birthday parties and cheerleading practice, and manage everyone’s schedule with grace and aplomb. During Summer Break, my job is to keep the kids at least partially clothed and prevent them from killing themselves and/or each other. That is all. If they want planned, age-appropriate, cognitively-stimulating, adult-planned activities throughout the summer, they can Google it. And dig in their piggy banks for cab fare to take them to those activities because the Mommy Limo doesn’t maintain summer hours.
Argument #4: Oh, the kids love it!
Do they? Do they really? If you asked Susie if she would rather jump and splash and play in the pool for a bit and then have a popsicle and watch the Disney Channel OR stand around in a too-tight bathing suit with a plastic cap on her head watching a bunch of kids swim back and forth in a straight line for two hours waiting for her turn to swim back and forth in a straight line -- which would she honestly choose?
Argument #5: It gets them out of my hair for a few hours.
If your child is already annoying you by 8:00 am, you either need to adjust your tolerance levels or stop letting your kid get up so flippin’ early.
Argument #6: It tires them out and they sleep so good at night.
So does melatonin.
Now, before you go getting all Esther Williams on me and start evoking the name of Michael Phelps, I will concede two important points. 1.) I firmly believe that all children should know how to swim. With all the pools, lakes, rivers and oceans they encounter over the summer, being a strong swimmer is vital. And if you do not have access to a pool 24-7, I can understand how swim team might seem like a viable option for ensuring your child’s water safety. 2.) I am willing to admit that there are some children for whom competitive swimming is a passion and I have no problem with parents supporting their children in their olympic pursuit endeavors.
That, however, is where my concessions end.
Yes, my children are currently waging an intense campaign of whining, pleading, crying and begging to try and get me to sign them up for swim team this summer. But, I will not relent. And if you should start to feel bad for the poor, little dears, feel free to come over and view the rooms piled high with toys, look back through all the pictures of elaborately-themed birthday parties and custom, homemade cakes, watch videos of hundreds of hours of dance recitals, t-ball games, soccer games and cheerleading competition routines, flip through my Room Mom Handbook and familiarize yourself with all I did for their classes throughout the school year and listen to tales of multiple Orlando trips and summers spent at the beach -- and then tell me how sorry you feel for them.
Or just go ahead and call DFCS. They can find me in my backyard, laying by the pool reading People Magazine pausing occasionally to turn the volume up higher on my iPod to block out the constant calls of “Marco! Polo!”
I just hope they don’t want to drink from the pitcher of lemonade I’ll have sitting next to me -- because it may or may not contain Vodka.
Or melatonin.
Or both.
Just keep swimming, my friends. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming; what do we do? we swim. Swim.....
