Yoga -- Not the Jedi Master

I have terrible rug burns on my knees and elbows.

Dirty-minded people.

No, they were not caused by anything, um, fun. They are the product of my latest get-fit exercise routine -- yoga.

Just as I do with anything new I pursue, I did my research looking for information and tips. I know that yoga followers -- sorry, yogis (no relation to the bear) -- can be pretty hard-core about their practice. And as I am sure you are becomming aware, I am not much of a granola-eater, so I was amused by some of the basic tips I ran across. Not that I condone making fun of something that another human feels strongly about, of course...

HAHHAHA! Yes, I do. Lay on the couch and eat a can of Pringles, people!

So, here are the tips (typed in bold) offered to those just beginning the practice of yoga. And here are my responses to those tips. As you read my words, just imagine me laying on the couch stuffing my face with Pringles. It’ll seem funnier that way.

The time most suitable for Yoga is in the morning before breakfast when the mind is calm and fresh and the movements can be done with ease and vitality. There is absolutely nothing calm or fresh about me first thing in the morning. Nor can I do anything with ease and/or vitality until at least two cups of coffee.

The most important things you'll need to get started -- as they say -- are a big heart and a small ego. What about a big butt and a small endurance level? Good? Alright, let’s get started!

A person must seek a place of quietude, which is well ventilated, free from dust, insects, unpleasant smell, draught, and moisture. There should be no distraction whatsoever. So, basically you’re saying I should never attempt yoga while in the house with my kids? And if you are living in a house that is stuffy, dusty, crawling with roaches and stinks to high heaven, then maybe yoga isn't really your thing anyway. You should probably just stick to NASCAR. Oh, I'm kidding! I'm kidding! Seriously. No need to go all Dale Jr. on me.

You must empty your bowels and bladder, clean your nostrils and throat of all mucus, consume a glass of lukewarm water and then begin the exercises after 15 minutes. This one is confusing. Do I consume the glass of lukewarm water after I have emptied my bladder? I had two nine-pound babies sit on my bladder and squash it ‘til it looked like a deflated balloon. If I drink a glass of water and then wait 15 minutes, I’ll certainly need to empty again. Otherwise some of those poses might get a bit messy.

Always remember that you should begin with the easy postures and then proceed to the difficult ones. One must follow the graded steps of Yoga. So, you’re saying that some of these poses are considered easy?! No, my friend, easy is sitting on a bean bag chair eating Chex Mix. There is nothing easy about sitting on your knees and bending your spine back so you can touch your heels with your hands. And it certainly ain’t easy to do with Chex Mix in your mouth.

In the beginning, all movements should be practiced lightly and you must cease to go further if fatigue shows. I'm feeling fatigued just writing about yoga.

Periods of relaxation are advisable if a particular exercise proves to be tiring. So exactly how long of a period of relaxation should I observe? And if I stop every time I feel tired, it would take me all week to complete one 30-minute session.

Yoga trainers recommend a balanced diet (sattwik). There should be an interval of 4 hours between meals. The ratio for the composition of meals should be: grains and cereals 30% of the calorific value; dairy products 20%; vegetables and roots 25%; fruits and honey 20%; nuts remaining 5%. Aw, hell-to-the-no -- now you’re asking me to do math? I find that equally as torturous as trying to gently place the sole of my right foot to the lobe of my left ear.

One should avoid overeating, fasting or eating once a day. Stale or non-nutritious food, you know, is harmful. I have yet to feel harmed by a stale bag of Chex Mix. Ha! Like I’d ever let a bag of Chex Mix go stale.

The clothing should be loose and as scanty as possible, because maximum amount of the skin should be exposed to air. Absolutely not. If I am in a room with people whose bodies look like mine -- or worse -- I want maximum skin coverage. I do not want to see naked contorting. There are three things you should never do naked: Have a coughing fit, do jumping jacks, and yoga. I’m sure there are more, but those are the most disturbing visually.

Form-fitting cotton/Lycra pants and shirts are the best. See my previous response.

Many yoga instructors assist students hands-on; if they try and move your body too much for you, or force your body into various poses, however, you could end up injured. So, apparently, even in yoga, we must all be educated on what is a good touch and what is a bad touch.

Always take a mat of kusa or any other grass or hay for sitting postures. I would love to see the looks you would get if you strolled into yoga class with a wheelbarrow full of grass and hay. And if you are as scantily-clad as possible, wouldn’t sitting on hay be terribly uncomfortable? I imagine it would be difficult to breathe and achieve a heightened state of relaxation with bits of straw poking around your hoo-hoo.

So, that's it. If you follow the above tips, you should be a yoga master in no time. And if you follow my tips, then you will find yourself lying on your sofa eating Chex Mix. The important thing is that you are comfortable with you and whatever position you find your body in. And whatever you do, always remember to keep breathing. Because, well, otherwise you'll die. Duh.

Here to help you, I am. May the Yoga Force be with you...