Dieting for Dummies

Hi, my name is Regina, and I am addicted to Pringles.

Hi, Regina.

I have had a love-hate relationship with food dating back to my early college days. While it is no longer the dangerously unhealthy disorder that it once was, it is still a complicated relationship that is plagued by bouts of abject dependence and obsessive control.

I don’t like to exercise and I don’t like to sweat. I guess you could say I was a lazy anorexic. And I firmly believe that anyone who says exercise makes you feel good and is actually addictive once you get into it is crazier than a poop-house rat. (I know, I know, the original phrase is much more expressive, but there could be kids reading this.)

But I knew I needed to reel it all back in when I had an unsettling experience with a pair of pants. I was walking around feeling all comfy and thinking, “Hey, why haven’t I worn these pants in so long – they are so comfortable?” Then I looked at tag and discovered why – they were maternity pants.

So, now I’m back on the 30-Day Shred train. Choo-freakin’-choo.

In my quest to fit back into some of my old (non-maternity) clothes, I have sought diet advice from the Internet, friends and the cover of People Magazine. Oh, sure, the best tip is to eat less and exercise more. But, that’s no fun. Plus, it seems too simple. Surely an epidemic as serious as obesity must require a more complicated plan of attack. So, as another public service to you, my loyal readers, I have compiled a list of some of my favorite diet tips. (The diet tips are in bold. The smart-ass comments are mine. Shocker.)

Diet Tip #1: 100-calorie packs help snackers snack less. Do I even need to say why this one is a load of dung beetle poo? Who the heck eats just one pack at a time?? No, really…anyone?

Diet Tip #2: By switching from a 12-inch plate to a 10-inch plate, you’ll cut calories by 22%. Unless, of course, you just continue to fill up the 10-inch plate until you’ve eaten the equivalent of a 30-inch plate.

Diet Tip #3: Don't allow the bread/breadsticks/crackers/chips basket anywhere near your table in restaurants! Excuse me? That’s the only reason I go to most restaurants. Once, I went to Red Lobster and was told they were not serving their garlic cheese biscuits that day. Needless to say, I left.

Diet Tip #4: Since portion sizes are way too large in most restaurants, ask the waiter to bring you a carry out container along with your entre. Before you even take one bite, put half your meal in the container so you will not be tempted to eat the entire serving. That’s actually a very good tip. That way you have something to eat in the car on the way to the ice cream store.

Diet Tip #5: At the movies, buy a kid’s combo which has a tiny portion of popcorn, soda and a piece of candy. It's just enough to treat yourself, and a lot less fattening. Can anyone honestly say they go to the theater to actually see the movie? The last movie I saw had someone in it who did something with someone else. Or something like that. Oh, but I got a large popcorn that I had Karen – that was the name of the nice, young lady who took my order -- fill it half-way with popcorn and then add butter and then fill the rest of the way and top with more butter and I also got a medium Coke (and Karen was like, “Did you say you wanted Diet Coke?” and I was like, “No, Karen, are you on crack? You don’t drink Diet Coke with popcorn!”) and a big box of Milk Duds because it is really good to pop one Milk Dud in your mouth and then add a mouthful of popcorn and enjoy the sweet/salty/crunchy/chewy/chocolaty goodness that makes you glad to be alive. Oh, and I think the movie also had a dog in it. Or maybe it was a squirrel.

Diet Tip #6: Avoid alcoholic beverages as they are high in calories. Well, until I find Diet Bacardi on the shelf, I guess I’ll just have to do a few extra sit-ups.

Diet Tip #7: Phone a talkative friend when a food craving strikes. Call from a corded phone outside the kitchen, and stay on until the craving fades. Who the heck has a cordless phone anymore? And if you are calling a talkative friend won’t just sitting there mindlessly listening to them ramble on and on without allowing even one tiny break in the conversation for you to get a single syllable in leave you with plenty of time to snack? Just in the time it took me to write this, you could have stuffed three cookies in your mouth.

Diet Tip #8: Stand near fatter people. They make you look thinner. I swear to all that is holy, if I see any one of you standing too close to me the next time I see you, I will know why and I will smack you down.

Diet Tip #9: Smash your trash. When you throw food away, thoroughly bury it under more trash so there will be absolutely no question of changing your mind. No need to explain. Um, actually there is a need for explanation. Are there seriously people out there who are so tempted by food that they would go back and dig through the garbage in order to lick that last bit of frosting from the cupcake wrapper? You know, anyone besides my 2-year-old? If you are sifting through trash in order to find your next meal, perhaps your diet isn’t your only concern.

Diet Tip #10: Get a tan. A tan helps you look thinner. And while you are looking thinner, just hope that no one is paying attention to the sunspots, advanced wrinkling, and pot-marks in your face left by the removal of melanoma.

Diet Tip #11: Cross your legs at your ankles. Your thighs and calves will look slimmer. This only works if you are sitting, by the way. If you try it while standing, you’ll just look like you have to pee.

Diet Tip #12: Drink plenty of water throughout the day. Water helps reduce fluid retention and helps curb your appetite. Not to mention all the extra exercise you get from running to the bathroom all day. If I wanted to be plagued by the need to pee every fifteen minutes, I would just get pregnant again. And if I did that, then I would have an excuse to wear elastic waist pants!

As you can see, these tips might not be the key to your weight-loss success. But, don’t fret, my friends. I’m always here to help. I have discovered the one tip that actually works. This trick is certain to curb your appetite, strengthen your resolve and be motivated to work out harder than you ever worked out in your life. Are you ready for it, America?

Work-out in front of a full length mirror…in the nude.

Do this and I guarantee the next time you find yourself digging through your garbage hoping to find that one of the kids accidentally threw out a pack of Princess fruit-snacks with one or two of the chewy snacks still inside, you’ll conjure up an image of yourself doing naked jumping jacks. And then back slowly away from the trash.