What A Load of You-Know-What

Today was not the best day in the life of Mommy and Z. In fact, he is lucky to still be alive.

The day had actually been going pretty smoothly until mid-afternoon. The kids were downstairs playing and I was in my bathroom organizing the contents of my hair accessories drawer. (I have a prissy 5-year-old daughter. We have a lot of accessories.) Anyway, I was happily organizing when Z came in waving his hands around and saying, “Yook, Mommy! Yook what I do!” Well, I smelled what he do before I even had to yook. The boy was standing there, stark naked, with poop smeared all over his fingers and hands. And he had the nerve to be smiling proudly about it!

My mind was racing and I wasn’t sure what to do first. So, I yanked him up, dumped him in the tub and dared him to move a muscle. I then went in search of the poop. I just needed to see what I was up against before I hosed the kid down.

As I approached the back staircase landing, the smell began to hit me like ape scent gloriola. The boy had smushed and smeared poop all over the carpet! Seriously?! What inside his born-with-original-sin head made him think that was even remotely a good idea?!

I turned and marched purposefully back to the bathroom willing myself to calm down. I discovered him still in the tub where he was happily smearing the poop all over the faucet. I quickly turned the water on and scrubbed him down from head to toe -- twice. When I was finished, I deposited him, wrapped in a towel, in his room and threatened him and his future children if he even thought about leaving. I then took a deep breath and steeled myself for the task at hand.

As I’m scrubbing the carpet, swearing under my breath and breathing through my mouth to avoid the wretched aroma, I’m thinking, “How in the holy hell can he play in this nasty-smelling stuff and think it is fun?!” I guess that’s like when a dog that rolls in the foulest-smelling thing they can find. Or when people sniff something horrid and then hold it out to you and say, “Oooh, this smells awful! Here, smell it!”

After I had successfully (at least I hoped anyway) removed the offensive material from my carpet, I returned to the bathroom to Clorox the tub and faucet. Upon returning to the bathroom, I discovered that in my absence, the demon child had not stayed in his room like I had instructed, but instead had come into the bathroom and written all over the cabinets with a yellow highlighter!

I went in search of the spawn of Satan and found him naked in the den with his sister. (It should also be noted that the entire time this drama was being played out, L was hovering in the background continually reminding me that she had nothing to do with the poop and was being a very good girl today.) So, I firmly told Z to get back up to his room. His response was to throw the wooden train he had in his hand at the flat-screen TV. Are you kidding me? It was at this point that he received a swift and firm smack -- okay, two -- across his bare bottom. (Yeah, I said it – I spanked him. Call DFCS and tell them if they have a problem with it I’ll let them come clean up the s**t next time!)

So, I marched him back to his room and slammed the door. Yes, I slammed the door. Not the most grown-up reaction, perhaps, but I think all things considered I think I was justified.

Since I really needed to work off some of the frustration, I thought I’d channel that energy into a workout. I hoped my anger would carry me through Jillian’s 30-Day Shred. And it did. So, with my workout completed, I went to the kitchen to begin dinner. It was at this point that I discovered that the Anti-Christ had gone to the kitchen, gotten the box of cous cous that I was going to prepare for dinner off the counter and dumped it all out on the kitchen floor. Do you people have any idea how tiny the grains of cous cous are and how impossible it is to sweep every, single grain up off of a white, tile floor? We’ll be crunching around on cous cous until the cleaners come again – and that’s not for another whole week! So, that little stunt earned him another smack on the bottom. (Yes, I spanked him again! Go ahead, call DFCS. Please!)

By the time JAO got home from work, I was so happy to see him that I elbowed the kids out of the way so I could run up and give him a hug.

Sigh. Sometimes being a mom is a really crappy job.

Well, at least they are all in bed now and the house is quiet and poop-free once again. Oh, glass of Merlot, you are my friend. Let’s go watch “Psych.” We deserve it.