The Secret Reader

Today I am going to read at L’s school. Meaning, I’m going to be the Secret Reader and read a book to her class -- not just go there and hang out and catch up on the latest issue of People. I’m excited! I love an audience. Especially a captive one. And while I know I can’t use my typical sarcastic humor on a group of five-year-olds, I still have plenty of preschool humor in my repertoire. I’m pretty sure I’ll be entertaining.

On Wednesday of this week, I went and subbed in her class for a half an hour. Yes, that’s the maximum amount of time I am allowed to be around the children. Judge’s orders.

The teacher was reading a book about football and would frequently stop and ask the class a question. When she read a passage about the crowd cheering, she asked, "Do you cheer when you watch a game? How about your Daddy, does he get all excited and cheer?" To which one little girl replied, "My Daddy usually slaps his hands on his face and screams, "Nooooooo!'"

That made me laugh. Partly because of what she said and partly because of what I was afraid she was going to say. Let’s face it; do we really want our children repeating what they hear their dads say during a football game? Or repeating anything for that matter. Kids aren’t very good at judging what they should share and what they shouldn’t. But, then again, neither am I.

Last week I walked into my bathroom to discover that Z had sprinkled body powder all over the floor and then dumped the container in the toilet (which was also covered in Gold Bond’s Medicated Powder). I took one look at the faux winter wonderland that was my bathroom and swore under my breath, "Oh, s**t." In response, Z happily began to chant, "Oh, s**t! Oh, s**t! Oh, s**t!" until I told him to stop. His teacher hasn’t mentioned his newly discovered swear word yet. But, it’s only a matter of time.

Anyway, back to L’s school..As we were walking out onto the playground another little girl came up to me and said, "Ms. L’s Mommy, I have the hiccups. Will you count to ten while I hold my nose?" And while I found it a strange request, I was happy to oblige. After all, I was eager to show off my excellent counting skills.

The little girl said, "Ready...go!" Then proceeded to take a deep breath and hold it in while pinching her nose closed. So, I begin to count. Then, I started to worry that I was counting too slowly -- since the little girl was, after all, not breathing. But, then I thought, "I don’t want to count too fast or else the hiccups won’t go away." And then, I started to think, "What if there are other adults around here and they see me standing over this child slowly counting to ten while her face turns red and then purple and then blue? I’ll never be asked to be the Secret Reader again!"

But, by that time I had reached the number ten, she let out her breath, thanked me and then happily went on her way. I guess her hiccups were cured.

Okay, I’m off! I’m hoping at least one kid will reveal some personal family secrets. You know, in case I need them for blackmail.