This Janked-Up Language

I knew that as my children advanced in school, I would be faced with academic questions I would be unable to answer. I did not, however, expect it to begin in preschool.

It’s starting already with the whole learning to read thing. No, I am not having trouble with her preschool books, thank you very much. I'm finding it difficult to explain our janked-up language.

She was sounding out words yesterday and proudly announced, “Kuh-Kuh-cake! Kuh-Kuh-cup! Cake and cup begin with K!” And I had to look into those excited, satisfied-with-herself, little eyes and tell her that, “No, honey, actually those words begin with a C.

And then she asked the dreaded question...“But why?”

Arrgggghh. Truthfully, L, I have no freakin’ idea why.

Why do we have the letter C when we already have K and S? Why do we have the letter Y when we already have I? Why does the word eye not even have an I in it? Why does the word one not begin with a W? Why doesn’t tomb, comb, and bomb all rhyme??

And then there is the issue with past-tese verbs. Sure it sounds cute when a toddler says drinked or sleeped but there comes a time when that has to be corrected.

"Z sleeped for a long time last night."

"No, Z slept for a long time."

"Oh, well I eated all my breakfast this morning."

"No, you ate all your breakfast."

"Yeah, well, I drust myself this morning!"

"No, you dressed yourself!"

And L's just looking at me like I'm the one who needs to be back in preschool.

Seriously, how did any of us ever learn this language in the first place?

One thing I am struggling with the most about this whole mess is that our language is riddled with way to many exceptions to the rules. I before E except after C and when sounding like A as in neighbor and weigh and weekends and holidays and all throughout May and you’ll always be wrong no matter what you say!

During a time in her life when I am trying to establish my rules and enforce them, the idea that rules could have exceptions is not a concept I want her to be familiar with. What if I tell her that she can’t have dessert until after she’s had dinner and she hits me with, “Dessert after dinner expect when you're thinner and when you’re away like at Gran’s or Aunt Kay’s and during Leap Year and Sundays and on every holiday and I’ll always eat cake no matter what you say!”?

Sigh.

And if I am already having trouble explaining school work to her in preschool, what I am going to do when she gets to kindergarten? What am I going to tell her when she asks me what E=MC2 means??

No, seriously...what should I tell her? Because I have absolutely no idea.