Let's Start a Revolution

So, apparently, The Revolution is coming. Are you prepared?

Anyone who knows my husband is aware of his fiscally conservative values. He is not one to make judgments on social issues, but for the love of all that is capitalistic don’t mess with his money. JAO is a financial advisor and is, therefore, quite knowledgeable in the ways of, well, finance. I, on the other hand, haven’t balanced a checkbook in nearly a decade. I don’t know who holds our mortgage, where our investments are or how much money is in his 401K. If pressed, I probably couldn’t even tell you what a 401K is. And I am fine with that.

JAO tells me I need to learn all this stuff just in case something ever happens to him. I tell him I choose to be optimistic about his longevity. Plus, what if I die before he does? Then I will have learned all that money stuff for nothing.

Lately, however, JAO is showing signs of increased unrest and frustration with our government. Don’t be too concerned; he hasn’t slipped into the realm of radical extremism. You don’t need to call the FBI and tell them he’s buying property at Ruby Ridge. But, I think he has looked at land up in the mountains of North Georgia.

It all started with Glenn Beck. Say what you will about the man, he is charismatic and very passionate about his beliefs. I don’t care to listen to him rant, but he seems to be saying a lot of the things JAO has been feeling only didn’t have the chalkboard on which to illustrate it. I prefer to unwind at the end of the day with a glass of wine and a good episode of 48 Hours Hard Evidence. JAO likes to kick back with Glenn.

The next step came with the purchase of the book The Backyard Homestead, a manual that promises to help you “produce all the food you need on just a quarter acre!” When asked why this was a necessary purchase, JAO replied, “We may need to know how to live off the land in order to survive The Revolution.”

My response was, “Unless there are instructions in there for growing your own Chex Mix trees or Pringles bushes, then I would rather not survive.” He then pointed out that there is a section in the book dedicated the growing, harvesting and fermenting of grapes for the purpose of making wine. So, I may be able to stick around for a least a few weeks after The Revolution.

Then came the delivery from FedEx. Inside the package were boxes of ammunition and a heavy-duty, Army type backpack. Being a hunter and an avid gun enthusiast, I wasn’t too surprised by the ammo. The third item, however, I found puzzling -- if not a bit disturbing. (I know, I know, some of you may find the ammo disturbing. I’m not going to get all NRA on you, but I have no problem with guns when in the hands of someone responsible and well-trained. We have a gun safe and every weapon in this house is securely locked up and out of the reach of children. So get off my 2nd Amendment back, okay?)

So, back to what I found disturbing: Also in the box, was $75 worth of MREs. That’s Meal, Ready to Eat for those militarily-challenged. Or my sister-in-law who called them MR3s.

I just cocked my head to the side, looked at him in wonder and asked, “What in the name of all that is frivolous and crazy made you buy those?”

“I don’t know. I wanted to see what they tasted like. I thought I could take them down to the hunting camp.”

“So, you want to sit in the woods in the middle of nowhere and eat your freeze-dried meatloaf and pretend you are the only one left on the planet?”

“Something like that.” Then he said, “You’ll thank me for all this preparation when The Revolution happens and we need this stuff to survive.”

I felt like I finally needed to get to the bottom of this revolutionary fear. “What, exactly, do you think is going to happen that will require us to live in mud huts and fashion clothing out of bacon?”

His response was to say that if the people who were opposed to the government finally got fed up enough and rose up against the tyranny then the government would respond by trying to crush the opposition. It’s not like history isn’t littered with that type of scenario. A Revolution is what this country was founded on. Is it really so far-fetched to think it could never happen again?

“It is never a bad idea," he concluded, "to be prepared.”

“I guess," I replied, "but think about this: If The Revolution occurs, there is bound to be a large wave of casualties at the onset, followed by those who have to dig in and live off the land to survive. I plan to die in the first wave. I am not a survivor. Gloria Gainer was not singing to me. I hope in the wilderness you can find a like-minded, Bear Grylls, Man vs. Wild, uber-woman to help you tend your gardens and repopulate the country with hearty, freedom-loving patriots like yourselves.”

He thought for a second and then said, “Okay. I’m going to go put this stuff down in the hunting closet. See ya.”

A few days later I saw a t-shirt that said, “Party like it’s 1773!” It made me laugh. Though it was a bit of a disturbing laugh.

And then I thought, “Hmmm...I wonder if that shirt comes in bacon...?”