What A Waste Of -- SQUIRREL!

I can already tell that this post is going to ramble like Kenny Rogers. Oh, wait...he was a gambler. See what I mean? Sometimes I just know I have no focus and my mind twists and turns and shoots off on tangents and I -- SQUIRREL! -- get easily distracted.

So, um, good luck with this.

Last night, as I put Z to bed, pulled his favorite ducky blanket up under his chin and gently brushed his soft, blond hair away from his face, I found myself thinking -- why the hell did I pay nearly $100 for an authentic Cowboy Woody doll and Buzz Lightyear action figure when this kid prefers to curl up every night with a McDonald’s Happy Meal toy?

This cheap, little plastic thing is Toothless, one of the dragons from the new movie, “How to Tame Your Dragon.” Right now, it is sharing Z’s ducky blanket as if it were a cherished member of his family. I even have to kiss Toothless goodnight. Oh, and Hiccup, the little plastic boy riding on the back of Toothless, gets a kiss, too.

Here’s the kicker: The dang thing’s wings fell off the first day he got it and no matter how many times you put them back in -- and believe me, we have to try at least five times a day -- they refuse to stay on. So, not only is Z foregoing the more expensive, high quality toys for a toy that came with fries and a hamburger, but the preferred toy is not even whole! He’s walking around lovingly clutching this amputated dragon and looking like he belongs in a cardboard box on the street corner.

I am constantly amazed at what entertains or amuses my children. Sometimes I worry that they are not that bright. When I see them stare in fascination at a worm on the sidewalk or laugh hysterically while spinning in circles until they stumble drunk into the wall, I worry about their ability to get into even a community college. But then I see other children get just as excited about sitting on a raft in the middle of the driveway huddled under an umbrella in the pouring rain and I don’t worry as much.

Well, I still worry about Z, but you all know the reasons for that.

SQUIRREL!

Our AeroGrow hydroponic garden has a not-so-fresh odor. In fact, it smells a bit like a fish tank. I don’t want to eat basil grown in an aquarium. I need to tell JAO to check on his plants.

Back to kids and toys -- I know it sounds cliché to say that kids prefer the box and the wrapping to the actual gift inside, but it is true. And have you ever given a child a gift that you put in some random box and watched their face when they opened the wrapping to reveal the Calphalon logo and a picture of a frying pan? Classic.

Adults know not to judge the gift by the box. They make no assumptions until they actually open the box and see the contents. That is unless, of course, the box is from Tiffany’s. Any woman can quickly identify the distinctive light blue-shaded box wrapped in a satin ribbon. She might even keep it in her purse and “accidentally” let it fall out onto the table at her next Bunco game.

SQUIRREL!

I think the foul odor from the kitchen might not be coming from the AeroGrow after all. JAO went on a fishing trip with some clients -- because nothing says, “Trust me with your money” than a fat catfish on the end of a Disney princess fishing pole. (That was for my brother. I’m sure JAO has a Buzz Lightyear pole.) Anyway, he bought boxed lunches from ABC -- that’s Atlanta Bread Company for those outside of the ATL. Oh, and that’s Atlanta for those on the other side of the Mason-Dixon. Oh, and that’s the line that separated the North from the South during the War of Northern Aggression. Oh, and that’s the Civil War for all those north of the...oh forget it.

So, the boxed lunches are still sitting on the counter reeking of dill pickle juice and day-old lunch meat. They will now be removed to the outside trashcan.

I’ve never received the treasured blue Tiffany's box. When I was pregnant with L, we received notice that one of JAO’s wealthy clients had a gift for us and I was to pick it up at Tiffany’s. I was very excited and couldn’t imagine what it could be. I made sure to dress elegantly, (you know as elegantly as possible while hauling around a 9-pound fetus in my uterus) and marched proudly into the store. Turns out the gift was a porcelain bunny bank. A nice thought, but I will admit somewhat of a let-down. However, the saleslady did put it in a Tiffany-blue bag. So, that was a bonus. I hung onto that bag for quite a while. Once I took the Tiffany’s bag with me to the mall and made sure to casually display it to every woman I passed in the hopes that she would think I actually carried something Tiffany-licous in the bag. But, then I realized I was at a mall that didn’t even have a Tiffany’s. So, then I just looked lame.

SQUIRREL!

The foul kitchen odor still lingers! Ah ha! I think it may be coming from the half-gallon of carpet cleaner solution I left in the sink. One would think that a solution designed to remove foulness from various household surfaces would have a pleasant smell. But, alas, this carpet cleaning solution does not. It will now be poured down the drain and sink-eratored away.

Okay, so thanks for following me down this rabbit hole. I’m sure you wish you had these last ten minutes of your life back. And if it took you more than ten minutes to read this, you might be clutching a wing-less Happy Meal dragon and spinning in circles in your living room.

I think I will now go and try and do something productive with my -- Ooooh! Something shiny....!