Rescue 9-1-1

I was driving down the highway yesterday afternoon when I came upon a very large section of the median that was on fire. As we happen to be under a fire advisory, I can only assume that some jackass threw their cigarette out the window and it set the fire-prone grass ablaze. I'm sorry, I shouldn't make such a harsh accusations when I don't know the facts or the person or persons involved. It could have been some jackass with a crackpipe.

Anyway, this fire was roaring away unattended and, for all I knew, unbeknownst to the proper authorities. However, the eastbound side of the highway was heavily involved in rush hour traffic, so hundreds of fellow motorists were also bearing witness to this inferno. (See how the fire gets bigger and bigger every time I mention it? I'm building up the excitement. Oh, well, I guess by telling you that, I am actually taking away from the excitement, aren't I? Damn.)

Anyway (again), this fire was ripping its way down the median engulfing wild flowers and discarded fast food wrappers and there were no fire trucks in site. As I mentioned before, I was not the lone traveler on this stretch of highway and was, therefore, pretty sure that those around me were aware of the blaze. So, then the question becomes, what do I do about it?

I think, "Do I call 9-1-1?" I have always felt that 9-1-1 was an abused public service. You may find yourself standing over the dying body of a gunshot victim and are put on hold because the 9-1-1 operator is listening to some yahoo complain that his neighbor's radio is too loud. So, what, exactly constitutes a 9-1-1 worthy situation? My fear is that I would call and they would be all mad that I wasted a 9-1-1 call on something that was not considered a legitimate emergency.

So then the question becomes, if I don't call 9-1-1, who should I call? Is there a direct phone line to the fire department? Surely they have phones there. But, what if I call them and they say, "Um, yeah, you're going to have to go through 9-1-1 for this. Then, they will have to push the button that rings our little bell so we all know to slide down the pole. I can't do that just based on your call." And even if I wanted to call the fire department, I wouldn't know which one. At this point, I'm not even sure which county I'm in. I'd hate to call one county and have them get all made because it wasn't their jurisdiction.

See how stressful this is becoming?

So, then I wonder, "If I call 9-1-1, will I be considered a hero? Will my 9-1-1 tape be played back on the news with my words being typed out along the bottom of the screen in case those watching couldn't quite make out what I was saying?"

So, then I think, "Okay, if you call, you'd better speak clearly. Then maybe, when they play back your tape, they won't feel the need to close caption your call."

But then I think, "Well, what if, like, 127 other people have already called and the operator is all, 'Um, yeah, we already know about that. So, thanks for clogging up the switchboard with your lame attempt at being a hero, but if you'll excuse me, I have the dying body of a gunshot victim on hold.'"

And then by this time, I am a good three or four exists past the inferno and I can't even remember where the dang fire was in the first place. So, then I think, "Well, hell, if I call 9-1-1 now, I won't even be able to tell them where the fire is!"

And then "Boom, Boom Pow" came on the radio and I forgot about the fire and started thinking that I really needed to download the edited radio version of this song because L knew that they were using the real s-word even when I wasn't even aware of what they were saying.

So, um, if you hear about a massive brushfire that wiped out half the interstate during rush hour yesterday afternoon because it blazed out of control due to the fact that no one alerted the authorities, then, um, yeah...my bad.